Sit down, decide to write something, write for 20 minutes
Then spend 1 hour and 14 minutes using sparklee.com
Said sparklees do not fit on blog
I decide that having the sparklees is the most important thing of all
So I search for a new template thingy
Spend 1 hour looking for one that is a bit wider so that the sparklees can fit
I fail at this. I did decide to change the theme though I hope you like it
I’m still stuck with this thin fucking column which does not fit much sparklee text
I made some films recently… well principal photography (shut it) for all of them was done in January, I’m just a lazy little fucker. Of course this was a genius move as they were finished at the exact perfect time that they should have been finished.
First, a little fun from Abby’s birthday at the beginning of the year. Its really good and to be honest 90% of that is because David, Andrew and Lizzie are very funny. Okay maybe they are 20%, I’m 10% and Caroline Duncan is 70%.
“No matter what pain and sadness you might experience in this world, there will always be a beautiful sunrise.”
I was a bit sad on Monday, for one reason or another. My little fucking white dog thought he’d add insult to injury by hiding my toothbrush. I fucking love my fucking toothbrush.
Yeah Ghostface style.
So anyway he hid it, pretended he didn’t know shit. Little bastard stays in his little fucking bed while I’m getting up and ready, drinking my Tazo Refresh tea (that shits the bomb yo, it gives me that roll in my pimp roll). I’m all “Yo what the fuck Jude where’s my toothbrush?” He’s all like yawn stretch and shit. “The one with smile like you fucking mean it on, Brandon Flowers gave it to me.” Then I catch it, that look in his eye. Damn!!!!
So anyway, I dont have a toothbrush and this haunts me the rest of the day, adding to my melancholy and making me feel inadequate. I bet your dog doesn’t pull shit like that. Listened to my go-to misery albums while I swallowed sadness.
and
You will notice that I look quite sad in this picture, that would be because my dog hid my fucking toothbrush earlier.
DONT FUCKING PITY ME! FUCK YOU! I’m still on top even when I’m frowny face so step off.
You will notice that I do not have a Harry Potter scar on the top right of my forehead. I did have a Harry Potter scar 2 weeks before.
I have limited memory of the evening of the 4th of July so EITHER I walked into a low hanging tree branch under the influence of alkyhol. OR my mother cast a charm on me that cost her her life but meant Voldemort could not kill me. Could be either one but miraculously the scar has COMPLETELY healed so its more likely that I am Jesus than the Chosen Wizard. Now I’m not saying I’m not Jesus, I leave that to you to weigh the not insubstantial evidence and decide.
So I went to the gym to continue my LeBronination. As my workout proceeded, my sadness turned first to anger, then fury. Of course I took a picture of me looking FURIOUS at the gym which you can see right…. NOW
You WILL notice I DO have a scar in the middle of my forehead but it is not a zig zag. I have had it since I was a toddler. I would tell you how I got it but it makes me look like I was a stupid baby who understands the concept of a glass patio door in the same way a retarded bird does. At the time I did not believe in glass patio doors and by clever precocious scientific experimentation I discovered that they do in fact exist. Moreso they break into sharpy ouchy things when you try to run through them.
I texted Jude very loudly
I AM VENGENCE I AM WRATH I SHALL HAVE RESTITUTION I WILL HAVE JUSTICE DO YOU HEAR ME LITTLE DOGGY??????
WordPress doesnt let me resize the text and neither does my phone but in my head it was like 62px high.
I stormed home, walked in right past Jude and ran the bath. Oh look who’s hiding under the bed now? It was Jude, Jude was hiding under the bed.
Little motherfucker got OWNED.
I ironically used him as a toothbrush just after I took this picture FYI.
I wasn’t done yet. First of all I put on one of my happy but scary tunes on my stereo.
Pic of my stereo
Thats right, I drop lyrical bombs over that shit like real bombs from an airplane onto military enemies. Except these bombs are made of WORDS.
Jude was trembling, mainly because he was a bit chilly and wet. Also because he knows how amped up when I hear those sexy bitches screaming USE ME JESUS!
Then I took it maybe a little too far. As a final punishment, I decided to rob my little white dog of his dignity.
Hahahaha Jude you look ridiculous!!! In your face Jude.
Okay time to check the mail, hey look Jude you’ve got mail. Its a photograph from IGGY POP!!!!!!
Some more mail for you Jude! Another photograph! From the rock star NICK CAVE!!!
And so i was I got him to admit he stole my toothbrush and I was reunited with my toothbrush.
I was so excited I forgot how to use it. Annoying!!!
Was I now happy? Yes and no. I had my revenge yes. My teeth were not brushed however. I was also missing something that had made me very happy and I had lost.
I will get my Fonz socks back. I will fight for my Fonz socks. The world is just stupid if I dont have my Fonz socks. My Fonz socks know they are mine.
This little girl doesn’t have the socks, I bought them from her for a small bag of weed.
If you read this blog of enlightened thought, you will know that I have some beef with a certain little fucking planet called Mercury. Particularly when it goes into retrograde. Scroll down a few blogs and i posted my ill rhymes i wrote to battle Mercury in retrograde.
But other than that I fucking love the cosmos!!! There is cool shit going down tonight. Despite being an oxford trained creature of cold calculating logic, I like to balance this with a reluctant belief in astrology. This evening, in the last hour, some dear friends have imparted wisdom on tonights happenings that I wanted to share with you.
Exactly 2 weeks ago there was a lunar eclipse. Shit went off. It was a time for decisions and catalysts. The ride started there lasted through Thursday when it came to a crashing halt at the end of the lunar cycle. Emptiness. The new one started over the weekend.
Tonight my friend Ford who keeps me up to date on this declared
“New Moon total Solar Eclipse tonight! (daughters of the revolution/secret moon) ~ longest Solar Eclipse of the twenty-first century. Another momentous, accelerating & massively heart-opening lunation”
Exciting shit! Ford turns facebook status messages into poems and wisdom clouds*. She also introduced me to the happiest youtube video I can remember.
Also news from Rachel CW that the moon was also in Cancer was soon confirmed by Ford
“the moon is in Cancer ~ healthy, healing, sensitive & nurturing + @ 10:35est”
7 minutes to go, what should I do Ford? What are you doing
“Telling the sun moon and stars my desires, then meditating & jumping into the chilly lake @ 10:35! ~ a night of uniting heaven & earth and diving deep into the compassionate heart… shine a light on LOVE”
Wel I have no lake but I will tell the sun moon and stars my desires and meditate. It is a good thing to do on any day, to listen to yourself and know what you are comitted to. Then to think of dreams without being afraid you arent worthy or those things are not for you. Freedom and playfulness. So let me take this opportunity when I might be getting some of the galaxy lined up to my vibrations. Call me a hippy if you want but hippies dont wear cufflinks so…
Finally Mia shared these words she got from a friend
“This is a wonderful day when we can take our past (the bits of it we don’t like) and shove it behind us, metaphorically exploding it into the ethers. The New Moon eclipse is the chance for us all to be spring boarded into our future. Stay focused. Be good to your family and then be good to everyone else. God/dess Bless Us.”
Time to pause for a minute… its 10.35
Okay back. So stay focused, dive deep into the compassionate heart, jump in the chilly lake and be spring boarded into the future. Love and be patient with yourself and the people you care about.
Thank you to my friends who teach me, I hope I occasionally return the favor.
Today particularly to my yoga teacher Marc MacDonald, who told me today he is leaving SCLA to start his own studio. I’ll be sad to not have him teach me there but I’m sure I will practice with him still. I have learnt a huge amount from Marc (way beyond asanas) since being in Boston and I am very happy to have him as a friend.
Okay now back to the usual narcissistic idiocy and sarcasm.
*clouds made of wisdom, which then burst and rain down wisdom drops on your head???????
I’ve got to sort Jude out he is getting way to assholey he is on a new level, targeting people I don’t even know
Ugh and check this shit out
I think I might put him on the grill and eat him this weekend
Or at the very least he is going to be punished
Seriously Jude, stop being such a little wanker.
Burp
What did you think was going to happen?
Me and my bike
Franklin & Stiggers - Tunisia 1963
Pioneering alone
expandin' ma collectionz
Always on top
Jude cant do this because he is stupid
Very few discerning people will ever own The Life Of Christ In Cats
Take your rose and go fuck yourself kid!
Federer and Agassi
Drinking has such a negative image in today’s society but here, as I stand on the grownup east coast of the united fucking states of america, it seems we have the wherewithal to appreciate and love the joys of drinking without the shame and embarrassment that can ensue.
My peoples in Britain totally fucked this up, be it because of 11am last calls, or having to live in the soul destroying society that Britain has become… for whatever reason, this is what drinking looks like in Britain:
Fuck dat. I’m down with the romantic alcholism of Bukowski, the idolisation of sazerac the immortalisation of absinthe. Nah thats bullshit too, the real deal is that drinking can be intrisically pleasureable. I can drink because I like the drink. I’m not drinking away the pain, well tonight at least. But when y0u do have pain, you can drink it away. Drinking can lead to loss of dignity and jobs, have the wherewithal to not go so far and you have open to you a world of wonder.
So to all the girls that drink, I could never love another. You aint bad because you sporting Jack Daniels in your tote bag. Much love. I’ll be there when you need someone to pick you up from rehab and your AA meetings but it wont come to that. Because we’re grownups.
This message was brought to you by Fernet Branca, the snobby boozers choice drank.
p.s. I’m not talking about beer, that shits gauche.
Riding in a cab again*, this time on my way back from Wholefoods, stocked deep on culinary bombs. Cab driver’s talking on the phone with his mate
Driver
“This was at the airport, things were locked down”
Driver’s friend on the radio
“What was going on?”
Driver
“State troopers everywhere, swarming over the taxi rank. I ask them what happened. They say a guy tried to make out with a girl.”
Driver’s friend
“No shit. “
Driver
“No lie”
Driver’s friend
“What kind of kiss was it? A peck or was there tongue involved?”
Driver
“Man I don’t know I told you what I know.”
They carry on a bit, I don’t know what the fuck he was talking about, they were pretty funny.
Me
“What the fuck was that!”
Driver
“This guy tried to make out with a girl in a cab at the airport. Thats why all the troopers were there.”
Me
“A cab driver? With a customer? Was it through the partition?”
Driver
“Yeah and no, she was a cab driver too. I guess he was sweet on her and made a play. She wasnt down and called the cops.”
Me
“Woah. Its bad enough being shot down, no need to call the police. Thats harsh as hell. Damn. That’s crazy.”
Driver
“You think THATS crazy?
Here we go
Driver
“I was at the airport, waiting in the rank, reading my paper. I started reading this story and I read that shit all the way down to the end. I had to read some parts again to see what was going on.”
Me
“What was it about?”
Driver
“So there’s this women and she’s got this cough. The cough wont go away, her throat’s all hurting and it just wont go away. She goes to the doctor, they look in her throat. There’s warts in her throat.”
Me
“Warts?”
Driver
“No! Varms?”
Me
“oh WORMS”
Driver
“Yeah that aint how I say it, I aint got your fucking English accent sorry”
Me
“Hey Im not saying its how you should say it, its just how I say it. Worms. I understand now. But I dont understand. Worms?”
Driver
“YES WORMS!” (driver is a little bit annoyed at me) “Worms live in dead people.”
Me
“Not the first thing I’d think of to be quite honest”
Driver
“Look I don’t know the details, it was confusing. But these worms are only found in dead people, like dead bodies.”
Me
“Oh shit nasty”
Driver
“So they investigate and they cant work it out. The investigation continues and they find out her boyfriend works at the morgue.”
Me
“An investigation.”
Driver
“So they work out that the boyfriend had been fucking dead bodies in the morgue. She got the worms from him. From like sucking his dick.”
Me
“Hahahaha BULLSHIT! Haahahahahaha”
Driver
“Hahahaha, no this was for real, they worked that shit out. Thats amazing, real detective work.”
Me
“How the hell did the paper find out about it. You know if I was a girl and got cadaver worms from sucking my corpse fucking boyfriend’s dick, I’d keep that shit to myself.”
Driver
“I don’t know, it didn’t say. There was an investigation, I guess it was like official.”
Me
“I fucked Janis Joplin. I hope I didnt get worms. Well I told someone I fucked Janis Joplin, I wrote a blog about it long ago. http://ilovestiggers.com/2008/03/10/making-friends/“
Driver wasn’t interested, we pulled up outside my house. I took my groceries inside, unpacked them and listened to the Black Keys and Jay-Z before the night unfolded. I played dice with the devil, he won but I didnt go to hell. Last night.
* For my last great interaction with a cab driver, click here http://ilovestiggers.com/2008/12/31/glass/
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