Posted by: stiggers | June 30, 2009

Wanderlust & Agassi

pssshhhtt

What did you think was going to happen?

Continuing the mixing of alchohol, genius and tivo’d Wimbledon… I’m thinking I should get a bike.
Me and my bike

Me and my bike

I need a vacation, you can get dapper when you’re abroad
Franklin & Stiggers - Tunisia 1963

Franklin & Stiggers - Tunisia 1963

Shall I be lucky to find a companion capable enough for such adventure and wonder? Or prefer to pioneer alone?
Pioneering alone

Pioneering alone

Regardless, I’m sure to expand my collections and end up on top
expandin' ma collectionz 

expandin' ma collectionz

Always on top

Always on top

In the meantime, I’m just going to keep on the keeping on.
Jude cant do this because he is stupid

Jude cant do this because he is stupid

But know two things.
1. Very few discerning people will ever own The Life Of Christ In Cats
Only a very few discerning people will ever own The Life Of Christ In Cats

Very few discerning people will ever own The Life Of Christ In Cats

2. Very few discerning people will ever get a chance to roll out
Fitzcarraldo style with Stiggers
Nu-uh

Take your rose and go fuck yourself kid!

Go Federer!
Feder and Agassi

Federer and Agassi

Completely unironically, Agassi is one of my most influential heros. If you want to know why watch this Charlie Rose interview.
I shit you not it could change your life.
Posted by: stiggers | June 28, 2009

Drinking is fun

Drinking has such a negative image in today’s society but here, as I stand on the grownup east coast of the united fucking states of america, it seems we have the wherewithal to appreciate and love the joys of drinking without the shame and embarrassment that can ensue.

My peoples in Britain totally fucked this up, be it because of 11am last calls, or having to live in the soul destroying society that Britain has become… for whatever reason, this is what drinking looks like in Britain:

 

Fuck dat. I’m down with the romantic alcholism of Bukowski, the idolisation of sazerac the immortalisation of absinthe. Nah thats bullshit too, the real deal is that drinking can be intrisically pleasureable. I can drink because I like the drink. I’m not drinking away the pain, well tonight at least. But when y0u do have pain, you can drink it away.  Drinking can lead to loss of dignity and jobs, have the wherewithal to not go so far and you have open to you a world of wonder.

So to all the girls that drink, I could never love another. You aint bad because you sporting Jack Daniels in your tote bag.  Much love.  I’ll be there when you need someone to pick you up from rehab and your AA meetings but it wont come to that.  Because we’re grownups.

This message was brought to you by Fernet Branca, the snobby boozers choice drank.

normal_branca-fernet

 

p.s. I’m not talking about beer, that shits gauche.

Posted by: stiggers | June 27, 2009

Worms

Riding in a cab again*, this time on my way back from Wholefoods, stocked deep on culinary bombs. Cab driver’s talking on the phone with his mate

Driver

“This was at the airport, things were locked down”

Driver’s friend on the radio

“What was going on?”

Driver

“State troopers everywhere, swarming over the taxi rank.  I ask them what happened.  They say a guy tried to make out with a girl.”

Driver’s friend

“No shit. “

Driver

“No lie”

Driver’s friend

“What kind of kiss was it? A peck or was there tongue involved?”

Driver

“Man I don’t know I told you what I know.”

They carry on a bit, I don’t know what the fuck he was talking about, they were pretty funny.

Me

“What the fuck was that!”

Driver

“This guy tried to make out with a girl in a cab at the airport.  Thats why all the troopers were there.”

Me

“A cab driver? With a customer? Was it through the partition?”

Driver

“Yeah and no, she was a cab driver too. I guess he was sweet on her and made a play. She wasnt down and called the cops.”

Me

“Woah. Its bad enough being shot down, no need to call the police. Thats harsh as hell. Damn. That’s crazy.”

Driver

“You think THATS crazy?

Here we go

Driver

“I was at the airport, waiting in the rank, reading my paper. I started reading this story and I read that shit all the way down to the end. I had to read some parts again to see what was going on.”

Me

“What was it about?”

Driver

“So there’s this women and she’s got this cough. The cough wont go away, her throat’s all hurting and it just wont go away. She goes to the doctor, they look in her throat. There’s warts in her throat.”

Me

“Warts?”

Driver

“No! Varms?”

Me

“oh WORMS”

Driver

“Yeah that aint how I say it, I aint got your fucking English accent sorry”

Me

“Hey Im not saying its how you should say it, its just how I say it. Worms. I understand now. But I dont understand. Worms?”

Driver

“YES WORMS!” (driver is a little bit annoyed at me) “Worms live in dead people.”

Me

“Not the first thing I’d think of to be quite honest”

Driver

“Look I don’t know the details, it was confusing. But these worms are only found in dead people, like dead bodies.”

Me

“Oh shit nasty”

Driver

“So they investigate and they cant work it out. The investigation continues and they find out her boyfriend works at the morgue.”

Me

“An investigation.”

Driver

“So they work out that the boyfriend had been fucking dead bodies in the morgue. She got the worms from him. From like sucking his dick.”

Me

“Hahahaha BULLSHIT! Haahahahahaha”

Driver

“Hahahaha, no this was for real, they worked that shit out. Thats amazing, real detective work.”

Me

“How the hell did the paper find out about it. You know if I was a girl and got cadaver worms from sucking my corpse fucking boyfriend’s dick, I’d keep that shit to myself.”

Driver

“I don’t know, it didn’t say. There was an investigation, I guess it was like official.”

Me

“I fucked Janis Joplin. I hope I didnt get worms. Well I told someone I fucked Janis Joplin, I wrote a blog about it long ago. http://ilovestiggers.com/2008/03/10/making-friends/

Driver wasn’t interested, we pulled up outside my house. I took my groceries inside, unpacked them and listened to the Black Keys and Jay-Z before the night unfolded. I played dice with the devil, he won but I didnt go to hell. Last night.

* For my last great interaction with a cab driver, click here http://ilovestiggers.com/2008/12/31/glass/

 

 

 

 

Posted by: stiggers | June 18, 2009

Rebirth Part 2

Across the great sea, far far away from the pixie’s forest, a young
very hot shepardess looked over her sheep while she watched Keyboard
Cat youtube videos on her iPhone. “Oh keyboard cat, you’re such a
professional.” She went to copy the URL for to inscribe it on a tiny
piece of e-parchment/text message, for to send it to all her contacts.

She flipped over to Messages and pasted the URL into
a text message, hit send and suddenly screamed!!! Her phone fell to the
ground in slow motion.
“I… I… I should not have been able to do that. I cut and then I
did paste!! Could it be the time of miracles is upon us? It is foretold
when the iPhone update cometh, so shall he. Could it be
he has returned to us? I can feel his love inside me!”

Still fearful but now also divinely inspired. As if a puppet, she began
to move among her sheep in an erotic trance, whispering long forgotten
sheep words to the sheep, the meaning of which she knew not.

“Baaaaa” she whispered. “Baaaa, baaaa, baaaaa”

The sheep hadn’t forgotten the words, or else this wouldn’t work.

The sheep moved around with purpose and each took a place on the
hillside.

The shepardess awoke from her trance and stared at her sheep, puzzled
as to why they were spread out across the pasture in an incomprehensible pattern.

She sighed and ran up the hillock to eat her luncheon. As she went to
nibble her banana, she looked down across the pasture.
The sheep had arranged themselves so that they formed words.

Tears ran down her face, tears of joy. She raised her iPhone, took a
picture of the sheep and sent it out to all her contacts using MMS.

[Camera swoops around from the face of the Shepardess and pulls back and up behind her so we finally see the wonder that she sees. I'm thinking kind of a Jurassic Park kind of reveal with less dinosaurs. Or like LOST]

 

 sheep  

Big 2001 moment, big music really big music, audience fucking amazed, breath taken away. Bish bash bom wallop. Oscar for Stiggs

Posted by: stiggers | June 18, 2009

Rebirth

A tiny but super-hot pixie flew through the forest giddy that Mercury and his retrograde bullshit had been vanquished once again and sent on its fucking way. She had to tell the forest council but how could she put it into words.

“Oh hey, look at that internet cave.” The pixie said. “Didn’t it have a large web-rock blocking its entrance yesterday? Oh look its miraculously rolled to the side allowing free concourse back to the internet/forest. Could… could it be… “

The pixie trembled and suddenly realized she had more important news to spread across the forest council/internet/world. Nothing was ever going to be the same again. again.

She also found she what to tell them about Mercury, she just needed to get some sick shaolin beats to bust a lyrical bomb that had miraculously popped into her mind as she stood in awe of the cave.

Oh Mercury, why does this have to be

that when ever you slip off. you take it out on me.

Your astronomical trajectory

Is causing too much misery

 

The reason you fail, I wonder what could it be

Eureka, Ive solved it,

You’re a sucker MC

 

Today’s first assignment is this planet’s alignment,

Class, pay attention as I put it in retirement,

While you fumble your rhymes,

While you stutter and stammer,

My execution’s refined,

as I drop perfect grammar.

 

My delivery’s assured,

show you up ‘cos you’re fallable

While you’re quaking in fear

I drop truth like a parable

 

You’re orbitally weak, you’re yesterday’s news

While my star shines bright,

Its assured you will lose.

 

Played out, washed up, redundant, archaic

Aint nobody stepped up,

So I’m just gonna say it.

Mercury,     what the fuck you got?

One,      you brag youre closer to the sun

Two…   errr hmmm errr errr umm…

 

Yeah, there aint no two, it seems you just got that

And that can be changed by a click-click-boom of my gat

My AK trick got a 50 clip

But I can save 49 for another trip.

 

With just one bullet, all these problems, I’ll sort them

There’ll be nothing left so you’ll get no postmortem

 

The truth it hurts, I hope it causes you pain

With my steel in my hand, I now take my aim.

I’m taking you out, it aint nothing personal

It’s just you dragging us down,

not just me, its universal.

 

To let you live

Wouldn’t just be dangerous

The verdict is in,

You’re astrologically extraneous

 

The execution is here

Step to the gallows its on

Build me up like the Death Star

Blow you up like you’re Alderaann

 

Planetary extinction,

Not a redefinition

Yours is not Pluto’s fate,

Your existence I take.

 

I’m the destroyer of worlds,

 the angel of death

The cosmic grim reaper,

watch you take your last breath

 

Face your apocalypse

Words, they spill from my lips

Your fake vocal skills

They are making me ill.

 

Going supernova lyrically

Deciding your destiny

Consonants like asteroids

Crashing into your planetoids

 

My sun starts to blow up,

You turn to dust,

Intonation radiation

As I combust

 

My supremacy,

galactic

My fans,

exstatic

No longer they fear

Those three times a year

You tried to fuck with their steez

And they be beggin me please

To give you no quarter

FULL PLANETARY SLAUGHTER

Posted by: stiggers | January 27, 2009

EXCLUSIVE – Interview with Brandon Flowers of The Killers

Yes that’s right. I was front row centre at the Killers concert last night, which mean’t I was able to conduct the in-concert interview with Brandon Flowers that we had both wanted to do for so long.

Considering they are the current Best Band In The Universe, I expected their live show to be good I was not prepared for this! I fucking continually lost my nut from beginning to end. I was able to pull it together for one song though, enough to be able to shout questions at Brendan Fraser and he did not disappoint.

The song was All The Things That I Have Done which is the one that has the I’ve got sole but I’m not a soldier bit that we all love. Typical of Mr Flower’s lyrics it doesn’t make a lick of sense. If anyone’s going to mistake you for anything while swanning around with a bottom feeding fish, its going to be a fishmonger not a soldier, silly boy.

But that shit sure is catchy so I was singing along with everyone. Except for in the verses when I shouted questions at Brandon. No time for intros, just got straight down to it.

Stiggers

You are the absolute epitomy of the very essence of modesty and humility, qualities we share How do you deal with people who accuse you of arrogance and delusions of grandeur? Are you tired of people mistaking you for Jesus? Help me out here Flowers, there’s no one else I can talk to about this. You must feel really sad you can’t do anything Jesus-like anymore or write about Jesus in your blog very much nowadays? Is that why you have shaved your moustache? How do you deal with it? Keep it low key, hope they move on?

Flowers

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Stiggers
Oh alright, that’s ight, I feel you. Wan’t to show them they can’t judge you, ain’t noboday gonna judge you but the big man. I get that, I feel the same way. You say to yourself “Just because I do miraculous things now and then, IT DOESN’T MEAN I’M JESUS!” Right? But still, you don’t let it get too out of hand, too ostentati…

Flowers

child of nazareth? no, brandon flowers

child of nazareth? no, brandon flowers

Stiggers
FINE. I barking up the wrong tree you crazy bear! Ain’t no body tellin you to not get your messiah on.

Let’s move on. Quick fire round.

Favorite TV show?

 

Flowers

Mine too!

Mine too!

Stiggers

How many of these things would you like to get for your birthday?

  1. A metric fuckton of cupcakes
  2. A wooly hat with bear ears
  3. A sense of ennui
  4. A Snuggie – the blanket with sleeves
  5. A blue tootbrush with THE KILLERS written on one side and SMILE LIKE YOU MEAN IT on the other.

Flowers

look everyone its mr greedy!

look everyone its mr greedy!

Stiggers
Where else on the internet can you find such brilliant, enchanting, challenging, inspired and inspiring writing as you have enjoyed at www.ilovestiggers.com?

Flowers

Brandon you just made me blush! You! Just you! Please it is just mere scribbles on the rich tapestry of life. But thank you, I am touched.

Brandon you just made me blush! You! Just you! Please it is just mere scribbles on the fabric of the canvas of time. But thank you, I am touched.

Stiggers

Okay, imagine this. We are running across the desert of Tatooine, being chased by an AT-AT, some rogue ewoks, a dozen Jawas, Chewbacca, Spock, Lilly Allen and this:

 
RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking back for a moment in awe of DinoJesus, you fall into a hole that you are unable to climb out of by yourself. I have run a little further but I will still be in earshot for about 1 more second. What do you shout very loud to me?


Flowers

Help ME out

Help ME out

Stiggers

Yes, that would get my attention.

Okay one more.
You are a saucepan. I am using you to prepare a bechamel sauce in you. You are fully aware that if the sauce is NOT gently heated over a very low heat while being stirred continuously, the sauce would be ruined and with it my dinner party. Right now you are just dandy, on the little gas ring at the bottom left of the stove, me stirring gently with a wooden spoon. Suddenly, I have unexpectedely lifted you up and moved you to make room for some brussel sprouts! Moved you onto the rear right gas ring, THE MASSIVE ONE! You are dumbfounded, baffled by my mistake. Fortunately you still retain the wherewithal to realise you have less than a second to get my attention before you are ruined given I have stopped stirring you and the phone just rang. What do you shout at me?

Flowers

Whoa ooo oh you know you gotta help me out

Whoa ooo oh you know you gotta help me out

Stiggers

Brandon Flowers thank you! You are a bonafide genius and trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

Then I went back to losing my fucking nut. Eventually it finished, I couldn’t hear anything and I could hardly talk after two hours of shouting Brandon’s words at him very loud in case he forgot the words.

But I got the story!

Posted by: stiggers | January 20, 2009

Obama won!

Fantastic seeing the results of the election this afternoon finally, 3 months of nailbiting suspense was getting a bit too much for me to handle!

George W. Bush accepted defeat nobly I thought, he invited the Obamas over for tea earlier in the morning.  From this I thought it was probable that Obama had won. Though it could be that the winner got half an hour of gloating time as well as the big white house.

stiggers

 

Aretha Franklin sang America’s old theme song just before the result was announced which is called “America”
. Let me note that it is EXACTLY the same as Britain’s theme song.  With different, less complicated words of course but otherwise pretty much the same note for note.  That’s why both countries have pretend theme tunes which are better and only resort to the official one when things get really official.

England’s pretend theme songs are “Land Of Hope And Glory”, “Jerusalem” and “Paper Planes”

America realised they had a crap national anthem and replaced it for the second season with “Star Spangled Banner” which is a belter.  But since Aretha sang “My Country, ‘Tis of Thee”/”I America” (double A side single), I assume that’s now got the status of pretend national anthem. Another American pretend anthem is ”Living On A Prayer.”

Also my friend Will over at MSNBC got to read the speech at about 11.30am.  He insisted soon after that the version he had just read finished with “Peace to my man Stiggers, God Bless America.” Obama must have just been riffin’ and skipped that at the end. I’m actually glad, today it was his moment in the spotlight, not mine. I am generous like that.

Will also noticed that right away that www.whitehouse.gov was replaced and now includes a blog. Which is not yet anywhere near as good as my one. To the whitehouse staff who will inevitably be reading this looking for pointers, all I can say is feel free to cherry pick my ideas. Make sure you bring a big fruit basket!!.

Posted by: stiggers | January 15, 2009

Making The Best Better – The Wire

I finally decided to watch The Wire. 

You can read all this and it wont spoil anything if you haven’t watched it yet. I was very careful. 

I started watching Season 1 on January 1st.  Two weeks later I have watched all 5 seasons.  This was aided by 1) my being sick last week and 2) I had nothing else to do in Boston.  I avoided feeling like a couch potato by doing Sun Salutations every 2-3 episodes. That is a metric fuckton of television.

I can definitely say that this is the best TV series ever made. I enjoyed the first season the most (in order 1,4,3,2,5) but that’s just a nuance they are all absolutely fantastic.

ep51_mcnultydozerman_506_01

 

 So the first season is one story arc, they are building a case against this drug dealer in Baltimore, no one in the system is interested in prosecuting drug crime, so they are investigating homicides in order to catch the big fish.  They do this meticulously and it centers around the use of a wire, basically phone taps, and other surveillance.

It is very detailed and you have to work to keep up with everything that happening. Watching it was not a passive experience at all. I spent most of the time sitting forward on my sofa, leaning towards the television.  There is almost no waste, everything is important. 

It was funny, once I’d finished watching the whole thing, I read an interview with David Simon, the creator.  He said the trick was in not showing the whole picture at once, there might be gaps or the links between characters might not be obvious.  He said he wanted people to be leaning towards the television.  “Once you’ve got that lean, I’ve got you.” Uncanny.

I accidentally made Season One a bit more complex and involving than it actually was. 

 I watched episodes 1,2 and 3 in one go.  The next day I watched the next 3 episodes but in the wrong order. I watched episode SIX first, then FOUR then FIVE.

I did not realise I had done this until the last scene of episode Five. 

wire

 

  So I started my session by watching what I thought was the fourth episode.  It was even more dense and complex than the first 3 episodes,  I was almost standing up my lean was so leany.  I rewound to listen to conversations again, filling in the gaps.  It felt challenging but not out of character of what I had seen so far.  In a lot of scenes people were referring to things that had happened but I had not seen.  That happens all the time in novels, especially as they start out. I was piecing together stories. There was a murder at the beginning of the episode and then it got into all the ripples it caused.

Great episode, I was blown away.  I went straight onto what I thought was episode 5 but was in fact 2 episodes before the one I had just watched.

It was genius, all my effort paid off as one piece of the puzzle slotted into place after another. About half of the scenes seemed unrelated, brand new, so I thought the narrative was jumping between post murder and pre murder. Flashbacks and present day. I was really really impressed.  It was so satisfying, so meaty. Genius.

I had an inkling something was off when in one episode I saw the low level drug dealer meeting the girl I had seen him wake up with in (what I thought was) Episode 4. “That’s taking it a bit far” I thought.  Just as I felt I had started to get a handle on some of the legal procedures (getting the authorization for a wire is a pain in the ass, you have to have exhausted all other avenues of investigation), they started to not make sense now.

Then at the end of episode 5, something happened that brought it ALL together.  Basically the whole setup to the murder.  It was like I HAD SOLVED THE CASE!  Everything fell into place, it was awesome.

Then I realised that it was too awesome.   I had watched that episode 3 not knowing what the fuck was going on but TRUSTING that that confusion would pay off. I now saw that it would make much more sense to have it be episode 6.  Then I realised my stupid error.

So I made The Wire better. Kind of.  Because I’m an idiot.

marlocrewqs1

Barack Obama loves this show.

When asked what his favorite show was in the Primaries he said The Wire.  I found this out after I had seen it all and thought holy shit, the president to be has seen this brutally honest, tragic, mostly ugly portrait of an American city. Presidents don’t think about this stuff! It all gets ignored by everyone, the show is partly about how that comes to be, the machinations of politics, media, legislature, law enforcement serve to fuck everything up further.

He also said his favorite character was Omar, a guy who robs drug dealers. He is badass. He walks down a block with whistling “A hunting we will go” his bulletproof vest and his shotgun visible beneath his raincoat.

People shout “OMAR COMING” , corner boys, dealers and junkies run indoors, then the streets are empty.

Omar often talks in the third person. Him and the Queen are the only people that really works out for.

Omar often talks in the third person. Him and the Queen are the only people that really works out for.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A scene right out of a western.  Everything but the tumbleweed and the creaking bar saloon sign. Fucking brilliant. He normally doesn’t need to do anything to work his trade, the dealers voluntarily drop their stash out of the window for him to pick up. 

Also he is gay. which isn’t exactly widespread in the world of The Wire.  It doesn’t come across as a gimmick either.

So to recap, Obama’s favorite character is a gay stick up gangsta, whose reputation for murder and fearlessness makes everybody scared shitless of him.  He’s the guy the drug dealers have nightmares about.

Omar is my favorite character too so you ight Obama. 

bunk-and-mcnulty-s

 

 I didn’t really know about this show, I heard some good things so I decided to dive in.  I’ve heard people gush about it, sounded a bit “me too.” 

I’m kind of glad I didn’t know about it until all 5 seasons were done. If you can watch the episodes in a season back to back (well not waiting a week in between) you get totally and utterly immersed a world you otherwise would have no way of really knowing about.

Watch it a.s.a.p. I’m not kidding.  Unrelentenly fascinating is how I’d describe it.

Lol nobody read all of that.

In the meantime I have cancelled my TV (unrelated) because I don’t ever ever watch it.  Apart from LOST. Which starts next week, or the week after I dunno.  So I’ve got to work that out.

Posted by: stiggers | January 14, 2009

Shawn Johnson Saved America

shining beacon of hope

shining beacon of hope

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

As I have previously emphatically stated in my blog “Shawn Johnson Is America”

 Click here to read “Shawn Johnson Is America”

“I would like to definitively and more importantly SINCERELY state that Shawn Johnson is the finest example of all that a young (or old!) american can be.  I was genuinely inspired by her skill, her work ethic and most significantly her selflessness.”

and also

“I would not fuck Shawn Johnson, nor have I had any indecent thoughts about her.  She is a shining, perfect unadulterated beacon of american joy.  I will not bring her down to my level. I am going to overlook the fact that she was all made up like a harlot when she was interviewed by Bob Costas the day after her gold” (as pictured below)

 

Whore?

Whore?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I over reacted before, she looks wonderful. Very grown up, adorned in her slutty maquillage.

I am the word sorceror that weaves fact and fiction, magic and horror, sin and redemption, illusion and disillusionment… so that you, the reader are seduced by the danger and mystery that is Stiggers.  

WHO IS THE REAL N. R. STIGGERS? GAVVA RAWND CHILDREN I'LL TELL YOU A STORY THAT WILL FILL YOU WITH WONDER AND MAKE YOUR BLOOD TURN TO ICICLES CONCURRENTLY.

WHO IS THE REAL N. R. STIGGERS? GAVVA RAWND CHILDREN I'LL TELL YOU A STORY THAT WILL FILL YOU WITH WONDER AND MAKE YOUR BLOOD TURN TO ICICLES CONCURRENTLY.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So you might be wise to distrust my words a little but on this I would tell no lie.  For as sure as the lead singer of Keane has a head that is almost identical in every fucking way to the fucking moon, I meant every word of the quotes above.

pussies

pussies

 

I recently had a chance to sit down and chat with Olympic Gold Medalist Shawn Johnson. What follows is an uncensored transcript of that imaginary conversation.

Stiggers

“Olympic Gold Medalist Shawn, welcome to the show,  I am really really really pleased you could make it.”

Shawn

“I am delighted to be here, Nicholas. Thank you for writing such beautiful words about me in your internet wonderbook.”

Stiggers

“I only wrote the truth. You are the fucking bomb girl. No doubt indeed. Okay let’s get to it, on behalf of my fellow americans and all brown people across the globe, thank you. Of course I am talking about your endorsement of Obama following the Olympics. THANK YOU FOR SAVING AMERICA.”

Shawn

“I did no such thing Nicholas, stop being silly! I played just a small role in the victory. I just came to do my best and hopefully all the hours of practice over the last 4 years paid off.  For that though, you are quite welcome Nicholas.”

Stiggers

“If you could stick to calling me Stiggers that would be great.”

Shawn

“Yes of course Nicholas. Oops! Silly me!”

Stiggers

“You are fucking adorable.  Once again, thank you for saving America, your modesty is enchanting but wrong. You delivered millions of votes to Obama  when you endorsed him by giving the pledge of alligators at some big event(I think you meant allegiance? – see me after class ;) kisses Teach)  . In that moment that you changed the course of history forever.”

Shawn

“You could have just said “changed the course of history” adding “forever” is.. just.. What would that even mean? Oops, don’t mean to be a clever clogs!”

Stiggers

“Indeed, no doubt. Mia culpa.  You endorsed Obama, Obama won the election. Bish bash bosh. In one fell swoop you prevented George W. Bush from serving a third term. Thank fuck for that. Here’s a picture of that moment, where you pledged alligators to Obama.”

 

I, Shawn Johnson, welcome our new African American overlords.

I, Shawn Johnson, welcome our new African American overlords.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

This is the gang listening to Shawn save America. Obama's all like "I just won the fucking election"

This is the gang listening to Shawn save America. Obama's all like "I just won the fucking election"

Shawn

“Nicholas… I mean.. I mean Stiggers…       I…  I was wondering if….”

Stiggers

“Why… why are you looking at me like that? No.. no Shawn don’t.”

Shawn

“I couldn’t have done it without you. Those words… they moved me… they made me feel…”

Stiggers

 ”Please Shawn, I beg you.”

Shawn

“They made me feel like a woman. There I’ve said it. For the first time, I felt like a woman.  I think I love you Stiggers, I want you…”

Stiggers

“Don’t.”

Shawn

“I want to stride along your balance beam.”

Stiggers

“Not this. Not now.”

Shawn

“I want to swing around your uneven bars.”

Stiggers

“This is madness.”

Shawn

“I want to vault onto your rings.”

Stiggers

“Shawn, no. It’s not fair on you, not fair on Nastia, not fair on Barack… Hell its not fair on America. I won’t hear another of your tenuous gymnastic event orientated innuendos.”

Shawn

“But Nicholas… No… no I understand. I must not give into temptation, there is much work to be done.  It might feel like the end, the George W Bush has indeed been banished to the underworld. But in truth it is only the beginning, America is broken but not defeated. They will call on me again to save them, this you have foretold.  I didn’t believe you before, now I know it to be true.  You truly are a great man.”

 Stiggers

“And you truly are a great…  a great WOMAN.”

Shawn

“Maybe there is another way… What if you were to have Alicia (Sacramone, aged 20) instead, then through her stories of your … I might in some way feel what it would have been like…”

Stiggers

“That’s insane. You are mad! That absolutely hadn’t been my idea all along! ” 

Shawn

“Yeah she’ll be up for it she’s like the sexy Sandy from Grease to my preppie innocent Sandy from Grease.  She likes to fuck.”

Stiggers

“Shawn Johnson!!!”

[ PLAY MUSIC : ZZ Top's Sharp Dressed Man]

 

I wonder you Alicia Sacramone

USA! USA! USA!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shawn soothes Alicia's pain with her Angel Powers (TM)

Shawn soothes Alicia's pain with her Angel Powers (TM)

This blog took me fucking ages to write. That Keane picture took fucking ages.

This blog took me fucking ages to write. That Keane picture took fucking ages.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why would someone with a head the size of the fucking moon think he should be the lead singer of a "rock" band. I'll tell you who. A man who listens to Coldplay and says, "ooh those guitars are a bit unfriendly, lets just do the same but with pianos and even more shit." Then puts on the best of Enya and masturbates furiously. That's who.

Why would someone with a head the size of the fucking moon think he should be the lead singer of a "rock" band. I'll tell you who. A man who listens to Coldplay and says, "ooh those guitars are a bit unfriendly, lets just do the same but with pianos and try and make it even more shit than them." Then puts on the best of Enya and masturbates furiously. That's who.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"That's no moon!" said Obi Wan Kenobi as the Millenium Falcon established an orbit around the lead singer from Keane's fat fucking head.

"That's no moon!" said Obi Wan Kenobi as the Millenium Falcon established an orbit around the lead singer from Keane's fat fucking head.

 

 

MOOOOONY MOOON MOON

MOOOOONY MOOON MOON

Posted by: stiggers | December 31, 2008

Glass

Had to take a cab from Williamsburg up the west side highway last time I was back home in NY. Got in a Northside car and my driver was ready to talk.

Driver

“Nobody talks about glass”

Stiggers

“Oh hey”

Driver

“Nobody talks about glass it’s always oil gas water animals and stuff never glass. Glass is really important.”

Stiggers

“Uh-huh”

Driver

“It’s amazing! It helps keep rooms warm when the sun shines through it. Saves money that’s why there’s so many buildings made of glass nowadays, save energy. You know all those skyscrapers in the city all made out of glass.  That’s why.”

Stiggers

“What about in the summer, that can really heat up a room, you’d have to really crank up the air conditioning. That’s going to cost a lot.”

The driver kind of slumped a little into his seat, a little defeated for a moment. He was a bit nonplussed with me. Then his brain kicked into action, he screwed up his face to think harder. I could almost see the smoke coming off of the cogs in his brain.

He sat up straight, energized.

Driver

“You could put up curtains in the summer.”

Now he was the victor. He was clearly relishing the moment.  He had met my challenge completely.

Stiggers

“My mum grew up in the town where the Pilkington Glass factory was, they sold most of the glass in England. Everybody in the town worked for Pilkington. Everyone. My grandfather was the limo driver for the head honco.”

Driver

“You know there are different colors of glass, you can have glass in any color. Could you imagine this car without the windshield, its made of glass.”

So then we took a little break.  When we were in Greenwich Village, this cyclist busted through a red light right in front of us, my driver slammed on the brakes, narrowly avoiding an accident.

Stiggers

“Holy shit. What an asshole!”

Driver

“Yeah he’s just ignorant. I’m sick of it.  They do that all the time and they never think about anyone else.  Look, just now I almost crashed into him.  I could have really hurt him.  He does think how much stress that causes me, I’m terrified I’m going to hurt him.  He came so close and he knew he was going through a red light. What’s so important that you risk dying.  I would probably be arrested while they worked out what happened. Idiot”

Stiggers

“I totally agree with you. Some people are retarded.”

Driver

“Yeah, I have some anger issues too. Sometimes they make me so angry, Im furious I start punching the dashboard and shit.  A few times, I chased them down and beat the shit out of them. Like really really hurt them.  I wish I hadn’t but they started it.  They don’t think of others.”

Stiggers

“Wow.”

Again, we took a little break in our conversation.

Now we are on the West Side Highway. We see the USS Intrepid coming up on the left.

Driver

“You know, that’s not a real battleship.  It’s a museum!”

Stiggers

“Yeah I know, it was closed for a while but not anymore.”

Again I had deflated him a little but he soon perked up.

Driver

“You see all those airplanes on the ship!”

Stiggers

“Yeah cool right? They’ve even got an old stealth bomber.”

Driver

“No shit! I’m going to take my wife there tomorrow.”

Stiggers

“Good. Idea.”

Driver starts chuckling to himself.

“Maybe they’re made of cardboard like they’re not really airplanes just carboard cutouts. You wouldn’t notice the difference from the highway.”

Nicholas

“Wouldn’t work. They’d get soggy when it rained and collapse.”

The Driver has already moved on in his head.

“You know what they should do.  They should put an actual defense base there.  All the planes are already there and  you got the battleship.  Then over there, you can build shit underground, like with tanks and missiles.  On top of that you could have some baseball fields. A couple of baseball fields would look really nice there. Then when New York was under attack, they could slide back and all the tanks could come out and the missiles could fire off.”

I said nothing sensing he hadn’t finished.

Driver

“No you know what, maybe its not such a good idea. You know how it goes, people get bored or whatever and might accidently fire off a missile and it would hit New York.  Then it would break all the glass in all the buildings. Glass is strong but not against a missile.”

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