I sold my keyboard on CraigsList – to Jesus!
For Sale : One Yamaha Motif 6 keyboard $500 that I should have sold years ago for more money but its been used as a gate to keep my dog Jude in the kitchen during the day so….
Price non-negotiable even for the Messiah
This was on Craigslist with a bunch of other shit I’m getting rid of before my move. Putting stuff on Craigslist was a fun diversion from packing and wondering why some of my friends seemed to think I’ve left town already. so lonely.
So I’m blasting 80s Brit pop super loud while I’m trying to inhale as much dust in my apartment as possible, as well as pack some boxes.
Your own personal jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone whos thereFeeling unknown
And youre all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
Ill make you a believer
*bring bring*
*bring bring*
ME : “Hellooooooo.”
“BOBBY”: “I’m calling about the Motif Keyboard”
ME: “Step right up sir, don’t be shy, I’m a cockney. Come see my wares boy, mainly cockles, mussels and eels but also some musical instruments would you adam and eve it. Nothing tea-leafed mind and nothing Pony and Trap. So you wan’t to buy my Joanna do you boy?”
“BOBBY”: “No your piano“
ME: “That’s what I said, my Joanna. Are you taking the piss out of me boy? Do you like hospital food boy?”
“BOBBY”: “So what offer can you make me? There’s other keyboards on craigslist, there’s one up for $499″
ME: “Jesus Christ! Are you having a smoke? Did I mention I’m a cockney? Don’t try it on with me boy. That other geezer’s Joanna has a broken Bruce Lee, it don’t make nah saund. Non negotiable. Dont be an Ethan Hunt mate.”
“BOBBY”: “My name is Bobby not Jesus Christ or Ethan Hunt. Theoretically though, if I was Jesus would I get a discount?”
ME: “You know the answer to that one my Lord and Saviour. I specifically said that even if you are the earhtly manifestation of the one diety, the price is non-negotiable. Do you want it or not?”
“BOBBY”: “Shit, well you might regret that but I’ll take it. I will send my disciple I MEAN FRIEND. My friend Marlon over tomorrow to get it.”
So anyway, on Sunday around 3pm Marlon drives up from BedStuy with two kids. Marlon’s definitely been Churching it up that morning, he was looking pretty slick. My interest was piqued. They were happy with the keyboard and the kids packed it up and took it out.
ME: “So what’s it for”
MARLON: “It’s for Church!”
“Fuck yes” I thought but didn’t say that wouldn’t have been appropriate.
ME: “Your ‘mate’ ‘bobby’ said he wanted a receipt. Who shall I make it out to?”
MARLON: ” MAKE IT OUT TO HIS MAJESTY” (this bit is true by the way)
I was pretty much giggling with joy at this point as I wrote out.
On 8/17/08 Mr N Stiggers sold one Motif 6 keyboard to HIS MAJESTY for $500.
So you all thought I was lying as usual in my title but it was on the receipt so that is FACT. So not only did I come through but I also proved the existence of Jesus. Thank you very much.
Praise Jesus.
Yes! the one and only ..no joke!
it’s funny the results google renders; I am again searching for another MOTIF for my savior ..JESUS :7 ..since casting out LUCIFER, getting the polyphony of multiple instruments has been a challenge!
Your creativity in writing certainly is unique! I must say that your rep precedes you; I don’t recollect most of our conversation as you wrote; but you tell a HELL of a story.
You did correctly remember the names ..Bobby, Marlon, and hope you submit to HIS MAJESTY ..Jesus!
cheers!
Bobby! I hope its not a replacement you’re in the market for! I trust all is well with the joanna .
I was very very happy my keyboard went to your church, Marlon and the boys were really cool.
I hope its helping all of you sing a little louder and prouder!
And yes, I have a somewhat fragile relationship with reality when I write here, thanks for not taking offence, there was none meant.
Please suggest to Marlon that he change his answerphone message, while I enjoyed listening to the pop song he had on there for 3 minutes, some people might not be so patient.
Of course Im probably in hot water with the big man by now but thats up to me to sort out man to Holy Trinity. I am 98% sure he has a good sense of humor though. I mean look at Sarah Palin.
God Bless, Nicholas
To be quite explicit for my other readers, Bobby at no point claimed to be, or ever have been, Jesus. He did not by the same measure say that he wasn’t Jesus. He did not mention Jesus.
But Jesus wouldn’t though would he? Dropping the big name just to get a discount wouldn’t really be his style.
I do not think Bobby is Jesus but he was very nice.
Jesus would definitely buy stuff of of craigslist though. Definitely.
Hold on was Bobby telling me I’m going to Hell with his use of capital letters?
Shit.
The only question I would have for Bobby is, when you cast out Lucifer, where does he go? Into some other unsuspecting individual? That doesn’t seem fair. Would it be possible to cast him out into a spaceship and blast him over to Mars?