6.10pm on Monday 8th September 2008
Workmate: “Hey congratulations on that amazing [work thing] you did today, you are our MVP for sure. We are so grateful that you moved to Boston.”
Stiggers: FUCK A DUCK!
Workmate: Wow are you okay, you seem really really stressed out!
Stiggers: I AM really really stressed! I’m going to be late for my relaxation and meditation class!!!!!
Sweet.
Posted in Epic Victories
So now I have nothing annoying like “friends” or “anyone I know” to distract me in Boston, I’ve been able to commit myself fully to LeBron-inating my body.
I am riding my new bike a lot, to work and back at least. I am also going to the gym. It is a posh gym called Sports Club LA even though it is in Boston. I will write more on this urban paradise soon.
I have done a yoga class of some kind every day this week. I am aching all over. Why am I doing yoga?
Well as soon as I get down to the yoga level of the club, which is all chill and relaxing, I get to take off my shoes and socks. Of course you know what this means, I get to parade my tattoo.
However, moustaches on ankles must not be very interesting here as no one has noticed it all week. So I have yet to be able to explain that through yoga, I will be able to use my anklestache in the same way as Paul, Paul, Tora, Kate and Rachel use their fingerstaches.
Oddly enough that bendy knee thing to do that is about the only yoga thing I am naturally good at. Everything else is kind of like knocking dents out of a battered up Chevy 1970 C350 Pickup!!!!* lolololol lmao rofl kekekeke
*American car chosen at random.
Posted in Croditars
I never tell people the address of this website. When it becomes clear that I have a blog, people eagerly ask how to get there. I say “follow your heart, just express how you feel about me.”
Then as you sit at home on a quiet still evening, the cool end of summer breeze wafts throught the window to cool your scantily clad body. As you begin meditate on me, with great effort you look beyond the inevitable arousal that instantly takes over your being. It becomes clear that something deeper, more substantial, grounds you and your fingers type into the internet www.ilovestiggers.com
98% of you found your way here that way, so this isn’t news to you.
Nobody has but someone conceivably might accuse me of being egotistical and narcissistic. WeIl that someone is inferior and stupid, grow up!
Anyway, it turns out it isn’t just about me, it never was. I am not alone. In yet another facebook miracle, I have been brought together with my extended family of Stiggers.
I grew up as the only Stiggers in England. Anywhere we lived, there I would stand alone in the phone book. I heard rumours that my ancestory was Dutch but that didnt feel right. I felt America calling me home. I haven’t really shared this before now, a secret hope and dream I cherished and nurtured. I have been vindicated, I was found by a certain Miss Jennifer Stiggers last week and it introduced me to other Stiggers’
I have only befriended a few of my family at this time, its a bit overwhelming. But so far they exclusively live in the South and are all beautiful brilliant humans. Shocker.
Here are two of my favorite new friends, Toiya and Tiffani.
I truly hope I can interview both of them soon to find out just how awesome they are, which will inevitably be very awesome.
Tiffani Stiggers is from Marietta, GA and from her profile I have learned that she is basically the best at everything she does. She’s a church girl, a member of the choir, a cheerleader, honors student and involved in some acronyms I dont understand but are obviously amazing and exclusive societies.
Gorgeous. No surprise there.
Toiya Stiggers I don’t know much about, except she is Christian, has a particularly excellent name and is mad cute.
God damn those Stiggers’ genes are hot.
I can’t wait to talk to both of them!
I guess there are some dudes called Stiggers that I am now friends with but I have run out of space to write about them, sorry guys.
Posted in Birth, Dating, Epic Victories, Stories
I loved watching the Olympics and I’m sure you’ve enjoyed my up to date and in depth coverage and reportage of the events in Japan.
I watched pretty much everything but soaring above all the other sports, like a beautiful non-erotic eagle, was Women’s Gymnastics.
I would like to definitively and more importantly SINCERELY state that Shawn Johnson is the finest example of all that a young (or old!) american can be. I was genuinely inspired by her skill, her work ethic and most significantly her selflessness.
When Nastia Luikin won her All Around gold and darling little Shawn got the silver, she displayed a graciousness and generosity in losing that few of us could hope to display. She was genuinely happier for her team mate’s winning of an olympic gold than she was sad over her coming second. All this SPORTSMANSHIP and GOOD OLYMPIC ATTITUDE paid off when she won the motherfucking gold medal for the horsey beam thing.
Nastia!!!
Now while I thought Nastia was dope at the gymanastics, did anyone notice when it came to be her time to take second place, it was a little harder for her to congratulate her teammate. Now I’m not hating on Nastia, its hard to be as perfect as Shawn. Nastia was more like us mortals, I mean this is how I would feel if two 8 year olds had beaten me to gold and silver.
But anyway back to the saviour of America, Shawn Johnson. Every word she spoke at the olympics was gold, faultless, perfect. Jesus-like.
ALSO SHAWN kicked off the pledge of allegiance at the Democratic National Convention!!! Who would have thought it? A hard working, sober, successful young person a liberal? Unexpected but quite welcome! Although gymnasts do tend to prosper under socialist/communist regimes so maybe there is a bit of self interest there.
I would not fuck Shawn Johnson, nor have I had any indecent thoughts about her. She is a shining, perfect unadulterated beacon of american joy. I will not bring her down to my level. I am going to overlook the fact that she was all made up like a harlot when she was interviewed by Bob Costas the day after her gold. I am also going to overlook this photograph (although just glimpsing it makes me want to punch her trainer in the brain).
I swear if he has been abusing the trust she put in him, that saved him from his communist overlords and brought him back to Japan in glory, I will destroy him.
I will kill anyone that tries to put their penis anywhere near her or maim anyone that has impure thoughts about this american goddess.
I’m not really into Nastia although yeah, I probably would.
Alas, I am not the man I want to be, I am not perfect. I am so easily distracted by carnal thoughts, pure filth that flows along my brain canals. To paraphrase Newton “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.” Where does this torrent go in order that I can make the placid, serene “Lake Johnson” exist so happily in my subconscious?
Ahhhhhh yeah!
ALICIA! You are all that America promised me!
I am so relieved that the only gymnast that really really gives me the horn is the 20 year old one. Oh shit! No! Alicia!!!
Dont worry baby. Alicia you are mine, while the ticker tape and hopes and dreams shower Shawn, you and I can fuck the pain away. It wasn’t your fault Alicia, you didn’t let America down, you woke her up.
Posted in Epic Victories
Yesterday I received a green watermarked sheet of paper that said I had been accepted as a resident of the United States. My official title is now immigrant. On Sunday it was non-immigrant. I will have a green card in a matter of days!
With all sincerity, my eyes were a little teary when I got the letter. I sat on the step to my building next to my Polish landlord’s Polish mother. She had coincidently just got done telling me the story of how she arrived in America with two pairs of shoes and $5. She now owns about 12 buildings in Williamsburg and Greenpoint, after working 2 jobs for 20 years.
This is my third Olympics since moving to the United States. My interest and fervour in supporting America has undergone radical transformation, from disdain to ambivalence to what I can only describe as patriotism.
I have occasionally caught a glimpse of British athletes competing, they don’t really get coverage on NBC. I cheer them on and it is pretty great when they win. My mum pointed out that Britain was third in number of gold medals behind China and America. I had pretty much no idea about this and was surprised and happy for my country. Cycling, Rowing, Horseys & Saily boats are all swathed with British gold. It bodes well for the 2012 Olympics, this goal has brought out the best in my home country. More importantly every time a British person thinks about the 2012 Olympics, they remember that we beat out the French to get it. If you see a British person grinning it is probably the thought of bathing in French tears. Optimism, pride, success… all things that are normally shunned by the nation are being passionately embraced. Wonderful.
THIRD. In sports not even shown on American television.
Fuck that, I’m with U S A. Now I get to be SECOND! In important sports! When America doesn’t win it is treated as a big surprise and when America does win it is rewarded with celebration and pride. This feels so much better.
I have more to say in my coverage of the Olympics, which I shall save until later. In anctipation of that inevitable comedy gold, here is my favorite commentary funny so far:
One of the commentators said that one of German gymnasts looked like she was getting a bit kerplempt after she made a mistake that cost her a medal. I gave the commentator a high five through the television in appreciation of a monster burn.
Okay I’ll give you one more gem. Get ready! You’re going to get pretty revved up by this!
(care of somethingawful.com)
Posted in America, Britain, Epic Victories, dreams
For Sale : One Yamaha Motif 6 keyboard $500 that I should have sold years ago for more money but its been used as a gate to keep my dog Jude in the kitchen during the day so….
Price non-negotiable even for the Messiah
This was on Craigslist with a bunch of other shit I’m getting rid of before my move. Putting stuff on Craigslist was a fun diversion from packing and wondering why some of my friends seemed to think I’ve left town already. so lonely.
So I’m blasting 80s Brit pop super loud while I’m trying to inhale as much dust in my apartment as possible, as well as pack some boxes.
Your own personal jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone whos thereFeeling unknown
And youre all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
Ill make you a believer
*bring bring*
*bring bring*
ME : “Hellooooooo.”
“BOBBY”: “I’m calling about the Motif Keyboard”
ME: “Step right up sir, don’t be shy, I’m a cockney. Come see my wares boy, mainly cockles, mussels and eels but also some musical instruments would you adam and eve it. Nothing tea-leafed mind and nothing Pony and Trap. So you wan’t to buy my Joanna do you boy?”
“BOBBY”: “No your piano“
ME: “That’s what I said, my Joanna. Are you taking the piss out of me boy? Do you like hospital food boy?”
“BOBBY”: “So what offer can you make me? There’s other keyboards on craigslist, there’s one up for $499″
ME: “Jesus Christ! Are you having a smoke? Did I mention I’m a cockney? Don’t try it on with me boy. That other geezer’s Joanna has a broken Bruce Lee, it don’t make nah saund. Non negotiable. Dont be an Ethan Hunt mate.”
“BOBBY”: “My name is Bobby not Jesus Christ or Ethan Hunt. Theoretically though, if I was Jesus would I get a discount?”
ME: “You know the answer to that one my Lord and Saviour. I specifically said that even if you are the earhtly manifestation of the one diety, the price is non-negotiable. Do you want it or not?”
“BOBBY”: “Shit, well you might regret that but I’ll take it. I will send my disciple I MEAN FRIEND. My friend Marlon over tomorrow to get it.”
So anyway, on Sunday around 3pm Marlon drives up from BedStuy with two kids. Marlon’s definitely been Churching it up that morning, he was looking pretty slick. My interest was piqued. They were happy with the keyboard and the kids packed it up and took it out.
ME: “So what’s it for”
MARLON: “It’s for Church!”
“Fuck yes” I thought but didn’t say that wouldn’t have been appropriate.
ME: “Your ‘mate’ ‘bobby’ said he wanted a receipt. Who shall I make it out to?”
MARLON: ” MAKE IT OUT TO HIS MAJESTY” (this bit is true by the way)
I was pretty much giggling with joy at this point as I wrote out.
On 8/17/08 Mr N Stiggers sold one Motif 6 keyboard to HIS MAJESTY for $500.
So you all thought I was lying as usual in my title but it was on the receipt so that is FACT. So not only did I come through but I also proved the existence of Jesus. Thank you very much.
Posted in Epic Victories, Jude, Moving, Religion | Tags: Jesus, Motif 6, Depeche Mode, Cockney Rhyming Slang, Criagslist, Packing, Chas and Dave
Are there any sociopaths in Boston?
Are there any doomed masochistic geniuses in Boston?
Are there any schizophrenic television producers in Boston?
Are there any nymphomaniac seamstresses in Boston?
Are there any hipster strippers in Boston?
Are there any super relentless violent flirters in Boston?
Are there any MCs with mad chill skills in Boston?
Are there any demented decadent debutantes in Boston?
No?
Well who the fuck are going to be my friends there? More importantly, who am I going to date!?!?
I’ll have to get a bat signal but one for hipsters or something. Ugh.
Posted in Uncategorized
So I leave New York in 18 days. I’m moving to Boston. If you are a friend of mine and this is the first you’ve heard of this, I apologise. When I knew back in April for certain, I was a) in denial and b) wanting to tell people individually.
Of course since then its been crazy and I am so horribly averse to goodbyes. I thought I had it covered but I didn’t.
Leaving New York is massive, after a 9 year relationship we are taking a break and seeing other people. I didn’t want to but I can’t pass up the work opportunity. I’ll be back. I’m doing this for you, New York City, so we can live together forever.
Dealing with all this is why I haven’t written much recently but rest assured this dramatic life change is going to provide much inspiration for more inspired satirical comedy genius.
I’m going to miss the elevator.
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